Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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