I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
