Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
