my mouth tastes like poor choices
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
