Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
People in love make me want to vomit
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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