i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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