The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like death gave me a hand job
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
