we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
