well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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