My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
