That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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