She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
sex in a hospital.. check
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
