Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
accomplished twins. life is a go
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
