There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
