Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
