Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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