drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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