her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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