Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
