24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
