im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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