you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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