Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
