Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
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My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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