He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
