My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
