I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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