She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
