I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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