So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
