My nipple is on Facebook.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
