I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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