there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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