So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
