final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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