my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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