i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
