I will die if light touches me.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
