I accidentally burped into my bong.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
