We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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