Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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