I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
