So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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