I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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