Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
