I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
high people should be assigned attendants
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
