I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
