How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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