I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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