i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
