That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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