Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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