You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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