her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
