Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
