Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
