Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
