White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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