I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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